What is Christianity - start
by Cohr
Summary: Despite any claims to the contrary, this is not designed to annoy. If you want it to, then there is no way I can prevent it. I happen to like parodies. I refuse to apologise for my religious views. Thank you to all people with a sense of humour. Try


What is Christianity?  
or God is a Perverted Bastard.  
  
Let us start with The Creation. Does God play blood sports? Or worse? God made wild animals, livestock and other tame animals. What was it? A theistic version of survival of the fittest? I mean, how could all these animals be able to just suddenly appear and settle into this new place with no fighting or violence of any sort? Then, to make matters worse and amazing new creature was created. Man. Amazing - ha. Woman was created from the man's rib, a genetic impossibility. That would be cloning so they would have been both identical, and both male.  
How was a weak, vulnerable creature like that supposed to survive in a world of wild beasts? Also, as a side thought - God created livestock and wild animals. If there was nothing to make them tame, then why weren't they all wild animals? Anyway, these weak, vulnerable creatures were stark naked, but no, they didn't feel cold, they didn't get scratched or hurt from any plants or stones, and there was no nettle or thistle - impossible if god had created all plants. How likely is that? People don't wear clothes just as modesty coverings. Yes, they were in the Garden of Eden, a place of delight and contentment. I am well aware of the fact that obnoxious plants would probably have been banished, due to their threatening of the peace. They got no chance. Fine. But what about the innocent animals who live and feed exclusively on those plants. There are some, and they also got no chance. Do you call that fair?  
  
Then, to make this case of perversion worse God plays a game. A game called 'Torture the Humans'.  
How to play: Tempt them by placing something 'forbidden' within their reach. Watch and see what happens.  
Conclusion:This is practically forgone. They will give in to the temptation.  
If god had really wanted to prevent them from eating the fruit, then there is a simple solution. Don't have it in their way - put it on the other side of the earth, or, barring that then just don't mention it. Then, when they were about to take that crucial bite, appear in a blaze of glory. If frightening them out of their skulls didn't stop them taking that crucial bite, then nothing short of being run over by a freight train would. And, God said that if they ate the fruit then they would surely die. Why didn't they think that there could have been a reason for it e.g. it was poisonous?  
Sure, a snake told them it wasn't, but if an all-knowing deity told you something, then had it contradicted by a small, annoying little animal, then who would you believe?  
Stupid question, right? So why isn't the answer obvious for these 'new people'? And think, if they were that unintelligent then how come inbreeding hasn't made it worse?  
  
Okay. So then these stupid ancestors of ours ate it. We knew that. But what next? They made clothes out of fig leaves, of course. Then when this god thing came along they hid. "Where are you?" he asked. Then the little man said "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." Major inconsistency. Hadn't they just sewn together some fig leaves as clothes? So why weren't they wearing it? Then, God said, "Who told you that you were naked?" This implies that he hadn't told them, thus withholding vital information. Then, what does the man do but blame the lady, who in turn blames the animal. Either the animal has lost its voice, and so can't blame anything else; any protest it makes are completely ignored; or it is simply more honest than humans because it shoulders the blame. Just a point to think about. Anyway, god curses the little animal, saying that he will "crawl on his belly". I think that "slide on his belly" is a much better description.  
Then, to the woman he says that she will now find child bearing exceedingly painful, and that she would desire only her husband (not that there is anyone else for her to desire), who would rule her.  
And then he tells Mr. Adam that he will have to work for a living and that there would be thorns and thistles moving against him. So. Does this prove my earlier point about thistles and nettles, or did they not exist. If the latter is so, then where did the aforementioned animals come from? Also, pertaining to the pain of giving birth. Has God told them how to reproduce? Or did he just expect it to happen simultaneously. Just an idle question, What would have happened if Eve had died giving birth to their first child?  
  
Then this god thing 'made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.' Does this mean that they previously had no skin? Or does it mean that the same god who preaches kindness also kills innocent animals? Or was it snake skin.....   
Continuing on then I do believe that God killed the animals. Why else would he tell Cain that he is inferior because he has no lambs to kill. And here are we saying, "the lord is my shepherd". That doesn't sound like a very healthy thing to say.  
Therefore, because he had no lambs, Cain was a sinner. You ask God. Then, for some strange reason Cain killed his brother Abel. You could blame it on the inbreeding but I don't think that that has had any effect at present.  
For killing his brother, Cain was sent away from home to wander in the land of Nod (sound suspicious to you?) forever. But if anyone kills Cain then he will suffer seven times over - does that sound like a good justice system, or what?  
  
Then Cain lay with his wife (and presumably sister) of whom there is no previous mention. She became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. At this time Cain was building a city, presumably a wandering one which he named after his son. Then comes a list of names, indicating that someone has lost the plot.  
Then Adam lay with his wife again (presumably for the third time), and she had a son called Seth. This is indicated to be the third child when Eve says, "God has granted me another child in place of Abel, since Cain killed him. After that they had other sons and daughters. So where did Cain's wife come from?  
  
Biblical ages are supposedly done according to wisdom. So why, since most of them lived for around 900 years, was Enoch, who walked with God taken when he was only 365? Did God not like wisdom? Or was he selfish? Or was Enoch unwise, and that was the only way God could get him to walk with him? And if God took Enoch, then surely he also took Cain away. So why didn't he suffer seven times over? Or was it a false threat.....  
  
Then along came another big long list of names, to provide a vague link to the coming story. Noah and the Ark. God decided that he was tired of playing 'Torture the Humans', and various related games, so he planned to kill them all off. The sadist. Then he gained a slight semblance of intelligence. He would 'put some away for a rainy day', though in this case it should perhaps be 'put some away by means of a rainy day (or 2 or 3 ... or 40?).' He told the only 'good' person (meaning the only one who worshipped him) on earth to build an ark. Here God the boat-builder shows his skills, or lack thereof. He gives instructions on how to make the ark strong and big enough for a menagerie. How did all those animals and their food fit into a space of approximately 4347OM³. That had 3 levels, each with floor space of approximately 322OM². That is a total of 966OM² . That is only enough parking space for around 1000 cars. Not much room for a complete world zoo. Each floor is 4.5m above the next (assuming that they are evenly spaced, and not taking thickness of each floor into account). Hopefully you don't get claustrophobic elephants. And what about giraffes?  
Also, were their climates replicated, or did they have to put up with wooden boards and Spartan interior decoration for over a year. Is this why animals can't talk? Did they go mad from looking at the same walls for so long? They weren't even padded. Or is this just Gods new game - 'Torture the Animals......  
  
The ark took 120 years to build. Is that slow construction work, or what? Then it rained. For 40 days and 40 nights. Where did all the water come from? The bible says that some came from deep under the earth. Deep under the earth is magma. Magma + Water BOOM!  
  
Also, the heavens opened. The heavens? How come it was water and not angels that came pouring out? Even if it was water, then where did it come from and where did it go? Yes, it came from the sky. How did it get there other than by evaporation? It probably didn't. Imagine the drought caused by such major evaporation. Then the amount of food needed for such a menagerie would have had difficulty growing. The whole world would have to have been searched. Unless the food came walking to see him especially so it could be eaten. Also, the polar ice caps melted. Then they suddenly froze a year later. How exceedingly likely. It has taken a long time for glaciers to proceed even a few metres.  
Okay. Let's just assume that it somehow got up there. Somehow it all fit. Then the rain fell. The water rose 6m above the highest mountain. That is 8854 m above the level of the oceans of today. A great bulk of water was involved. That links back to the aforementioned question. Where did all the water come from? If you want an answer then you can re-read the paragraph.  
  
Noah took animals on the ark to ensure their survival. But if one had got sick then in such cramped conditions then many of the others would have quickly followed suit. Is this why God had said to take more of the clean animals - to possibly help them survive if such a thing did happen. I call that favouritism, and unfair to the poor, unclean little beasties.  
And what about plants. Nowhere in the Bible does it mention how the plants survived the great flood. In fact, it says that all that was on dry land died. That would include plants. Then, just to prove the inconsistency as such, a dove plucked an olive leaf. Unless the olive tree was more than 6 metres tall and on top of the tallest mountain then the leaf would have rotted after a year of immersion in water.  
Number two. Olive trees only grow in dry places. Not even God admits that the six metre immersed in water snow covered peaks of Mt Everest is a dry place. So. Dove comes back; floods have receded; yet Noah didn't notice, Noah gets off. Why in the Mongoloid hell did God not just wipe people's minds and make them good instead of drowning most of the population? Better yet, provide them of proof of his existence. This is supposedly done, when he tells them that he is going to cause a great big flood. So why are they not aware of his existence?  
Of course, this would spoil the fun of 'Torture the Humans'. Maybe the olive tree grew from a seed that had been buried deep on the earth. Right. A waterlogged seed in waterlogged earth. Rot sets in. To keep it dry it would have to be in a rock chamber - or a Tupperware container. Then it jumps out when it knows it is dry enough to grow. Very likely (especially the idea of a plastic container in biblical times).  



End file.
